he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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