My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
