Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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