I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
