im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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