I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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