i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
