I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
