just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
