I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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