Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
