i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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