i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
