I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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