i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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