Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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