meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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