you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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