my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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