I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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