How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
