im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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