My hand turned me down
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So. Much. Porn.
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