May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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