I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
