Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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