Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
