1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
