I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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