and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
