Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
