I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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