Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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