There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
