I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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