The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
