I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So much rum. So many feels.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
