Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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