The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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