Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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