Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
