god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
