if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
