saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
