That's when you crack a 10am beer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
