Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
