we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
