I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
