you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
