Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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