my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
