Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
