the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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